For the last year, I’ve ranted about how much I want to come out to my parents but how terrified I am of doing so. Of course, my nervousness is not anything unique, as LGBT people everywhere deal with anxiety of coming out, especially to someone as close to you as your parents.
This time last year, coming out to my parents was only a dream that would happen a long time away (or never, and I was ok with that). But as time ticks on, it becomes even more unbearable to live a life of censorship. And while the closet door is heavy… I feel that I’m about to push it wide open.
I’ve been watching coming out stories on Logo Online to help prepare myself. Often, at the end, the person being told is loving and accepting and often suspected. I smile at how nervous those people were verses the good reaction received. But then I look at my own self. I have perhaps the perfect door to come out to my mom. Let me tell you about that.
I have a best friend that I’ve known since Kindergarten. Even though we went to colleges three states apart, we’ve continued to stay best friends. My mom has taken her in as one of her own children, so my mom and this friend have a pretty close relationship.
Recently, my mom has been expressing to this friend how she doesn’t understand me, and she can’t understand why she doesn’t get me, though she desperately wants to. My friend, who knows I’m gay, mostly just listens, not wanting to out me. Well, my mom called her up the other day and flat out asked her if I was gay, and my friend said, “Well, she hasn’t told me she is, and I don’t think so, but you should really talk to her about that.” Which was a lie, but she didn’t know what else to say. Then my mom said, “But don’t you think so?” and proceeded to list why she thought I was gay. All my friend told her was, “You just need to talk to her about it.” In the mean time, mom has been telling me that she loves me no matter what and that I could tell her anything, and it didn’t matter what it was, she would always unconditionally love me.
She clearly wants me to come out to her. And man, I want to, but I’m still so terrified! (Slap me.) I guess I’m more afraid of my dad’s reaction than her’s. And I know she would tell my dad. I KNOW. But really, I’m mostly concerned about my girlfriend, because she only has one semester left of school and doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that. She definitely wants me to come out to them, but she’s scared they might try to get her kicked out of school. Now, she has already given me her blessing to come out to them any time I feel the need to, but I do understand her concern. I was TERRIFIED of being discovered and getting kicked out when I went to school there.
I know the time is now. I’m just still so terrified. Closet door… can someone else just open you for me?
I’m such a wimp.
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