I was finally, for the first time in my out-to-myself-and-a-few-other-friends life (whew!), beginning to get up the courage to come out to my mother. I feel like when I come out to my mom, then I can truly consider myself OUT. And I want that so bad. My best friend, who frequently chats with mom, said she thought now was a good time to tell my mom too.
But today, near the end of our phone conversation, my best friend threw in, “Oh, and uh, maybe now’s not as good of a time to tell your mom you’re gay as I thought.” “What do you mean? What did she say?” I said nervously. She continued, “Well, I was just chatting with her on Google, and she was saying how she prays every day for you to find a nice Christian man.”
*Smacks forehead*
Ok, so I know it’s not really bad. It’s not like she said, “I just don’t think I could ever have a gay child.” But I thought we were making progress!! I know it’s normal to try to hang on to some hope that I’ll live out her dreams for me, but I really thought she was past the wishing a good guy on me stage. I don’t know how many times she said that in high school. “All I want is for you to be happy. Find a good man like your daddy and papa and be happy.” Even though I didn’t consider myself gay at the time, I would say, “Well, mom, it’s not like I have to find a man to be happy.” At the time, I honestly thought I’d be single my whole life and “married to Jesus.” Why? Because I loved Jesus so much? I thought so. Really, I thought God had given me “the gift of singleness”, whatever the hell that is, so that I could be a missionary. Now uh… I see that I just wasn’t into the boys… at all… ever… not even the celebrity ones. (Really, do you know how embarrassed I felt when my friends would ask me who my favorite actor was, and I could never think of one, but my obsession with Winona Ryder was very evident. I would think, “Man, they’re gonna think I’m gay or something.” I wonder why??)
Maybe “the gift of singleness” is Christian for “GAY!” “Hmm… I have no desire to date a boy. I’ve never found anyone attractive or had the desire to be romantic with one. I must have the gift of singleness!!!” Or asexuality, but, I’ve never met an asexual, so I have no idea what their experience is like. Even when I honestly thought God had bestowed upon me “the gift of singleness”, I would feel an occasional hot in my pants for some ladies. Just being honest! But I sure tried to shove those feelings far, far away.
Well, now that we’re back from that small rabbit hole, I guess I just wanted to say that… *sigh* I really want to come out to my mom, but I don’t want to crush her dreams for me (or her opinion of me). I know my situation could be much, MUCH worse, but… I gotta stop being a wimp. My fiance deserves that.
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