ponderings

i also wonder if I got rid of all my anger,  bitterness, stress, pain, etc if my lesbianism would go away???  Like is it just a side effect somehow?  Like some people say, u r only gay cuz of what happened to u, type thing.  So would counseling “straighten” me out???

or if i gave into the lesbianism would all my anger, bitterness, pain, etc would all go away with no need of counseling because something was now right with me???  Or would it still all be there or go away at first but then come back when the high of everything wore off???

Can I lead a happy straight life?

I mean it isn’t even really about the sex.  I believe just having the relationship I am looking for with a girl would prolly satisfy me.  Could I keep my current life and just find someone and become best friends with “no benefits” and still lead our own lives with our families?  Would that be considered being faithful to my hubby when I want to be with that person more than I want to be with him?  I am not just talking about a friend that’s a girl.  I have friends, relationships with girls.  Just not the kind I have a longing for with the closeness that I seek.   I mean lots of married girls have best friends that they hang out with all the time and tell everything to and do everything with.  Basically the only diff between their friend and their hubby is the living with/sleeping with part, lol (and being physically attracted to part.)   So what would be the diff for me to have the same thing???  Or would having someone that I desire in that way then cause the sexual desire to increase so much that I had to “be with her”.

Yet when I have sex with the hubby, in order to do that, I have to go to lesbianland in my head.  I don’t have to be sexual- not controlled or consumed by sex; but when I need to be sexual, I can’t do it in a normal heterosexual minded way like I am supposed to.  And whenever I just go through my day and I get turned on, its related to girls.  How do you just turn that off???  I mean do u just tell yourself, no she isn’t attractive, over and over again.  Or tell yourself, yes you have a sexual desire for your hubby… and then poof it comes to pass???