Have you ever come across a person in your life where they literally melt your heart? Where at just the briefest glimpse of their hand, hair, arm or face, sends a tide of shivers down your body? When emotions erupt, and the dormant feelings of lust, love and desire develop into a cascade of passion and emotion beyond measure?
I have.
I say this, yet only about two and half years ago I was a complete skeptic at the even existence of “love”. I mean, how can we – human beings, with brains and intelligence – become to benign and hapless, purely due to a single emotion?
I realise now that I was horribly wrong. And in fact, imagining a world without love, is a pretty depressing image. None of that excitement, lust, passion, desire, or even confusion. Let’s not forget the pain either, pain is part and parcel of love, and world without the feeling of pain, due to loss, or heartbreak, is not a world I want to live in.
I speak of this now, because recently I saw someone who I haven’t seen for about six weeks now. She, has to be my first real love. Of course (or at least I hope) she doesn’t know, for that would turn out to be highly embarrassing. She was the eye-opener, the one who made me realise that before, all of those other women or girls who I had looked at, or known and felt something towards, that it wasn’t just closeness to people, or whatever else you can confuse a crush with, but something real. I looked at her, and I realised that I wasn’t just admiring her, or getting confused about; I was looking at someone who I wanted to hug, touch, dream about and cuddle at night. Never before in my entire life had I looked upon a person I knew, or didn’t know and think “I would like to hold you”, or “I want to cuddle you at night”, or “It doesn’t matter, I’m here for you”. I saw for the first time, that it wasn’t just fascination in females, but a desire to be with them… A desire to be with her.
Back to the story. Well, I hadn’t seen her for six weeks; and during that time, she had done her usual routine within my head, popping in and out, causing disturbance to me, making me wish I could be with her, keeping me awake in the middle of the night; but as I had learnt from other long departures from her presence, I had to void myself of all of the emotional strings I have. They can become far too heavy to carry, and to withstand. I learnt that last Christmas where I became an introverted hermit for the two weeks, whilst I was trying to console my wounded heart.
Yet, the other day I saw her; and all of those repressed emotions, all of that energy and hunger I have for her has resurfaced – and God do I feel alive!
It’s crazy! It’s half two in the morning, yet I feel so energised and empowered. My mind is constantly flashing images or things about her. Or even worse, creating imaginary conversations that I wish we could share.
My heart actually feels like it has dissisipated into a feather-tonne. It feels soft and warming to my body, yet is a burden to me. I may be happy, but mostly, I am incomplete. Seeing her again was just a painful reminder of much she is the missing piece to my human jigsaw. Everything about her perfect. Her imperfections only make her better.
I need to stop wallowing don’t I?
I see the next few weeks and months as being a test to this. Not that there can anything be achieved, but I can live in hope right?
… Well I think I will regardless! We all need some hope in our lives.
x
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