Why is it that we are always pushing or pulling in relationships, forever jockeying for position? Is every connection with another human being always about a power play? Can two people ever really commit to being equal parties, both equally responsible and present in the partnership?
Enough questions, you must be thinking. Tell me something meaningful or shut up, already. Okay. I’ll tell you what my experience tells me.
Every relationship is defined by implied roles that all parties agree to, either consciously or subconsciously. We all expect something out of every relationship we get involved in, whether it is a friendship, business liaison, or something more intimate. In the beginning, as we try to establish the rules of the relationship, we pursue the other person, hungry for approval and some sign of interest from them. It is no surprise that every human being on the planet has to chase down what they want in life, making themselves vulnerable in order to communicate their interest to the other party. Essentially, you are trying to pull them to you.
Two lesbos intent on engaging in the tango of romance, most certainly engage in a type of push and pull as they establish the boundaries of the relationship and fight for just the right dose of support and distance, ultimately wanting the best of both the single and married worlds. This ongoing dynamic explains the push and pull we all experience as we try and live together in harmony, while maintaining a certain desired degree of independence. Whenever I feel stifled or hurt, I am quick to push them away to distance myself from the offender. By the same token, whenever my girlfriend pulls away from me, I find myself catering to her more, and trying to “make nice,” always anxious about something I may have said or done to alienate her.
The push and pull of any relationship can become exhausting unless the two of you quickly work out the rules of play, so that you can relax some and stop posturing twenty-four hours a day. If you’re lucky, you and your beloved will eventually fall into a rhythm that suits you both, where you’ll enjoy the support you need from a loving a partner, without losing the independence you need to feel like you are your own person. Problems arise, when you or your partner are not secure enough to let the other one have the needed space to follow their dreams and enjoy the things they value in life.
We all need time alone. How much time we need depends on the person. Giving each other space can cure a lot of problems. It’s no surprise that most of us appreciate our true love that much more after we’re away from her for a few days. Perspective is everything. How you feel about her when you’re apart for a few days, says a lot about how important she is to you, and whether she is worth all the fuss.
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