As I am already a terrible blogger, I wouldn’t like to add terrible gay to my resume. In an effort to keep in the good gay books, also known as The Advocate, I was reading the first five or so pages of Perez Hilton, only to find out that Elton John has a bad case of E. Coli!
What!?
How is this possible?
All legitimate questions, fellow sexual deviants. Well, I think that it’s a bio-terrorist attack on the gays – put down your Figi, your vitamin water, and corporate lattes – they’re coming for us.
I do think there is salvation, however. As someone who is severely afraid of zombies, I am a self-proclaimed master of post-apocalyptic survival plans. First, if there is a bio-terrorist attack on the gays, we must abandon the corporate coffee giants in favour of kitschy coffee shops (I know we already have one, but we must resist the urge to get a corporate coffee on the way to the kitschy coffee shop, only to ditch it two blocks before you arrive to maintain your “street cred”). If you do not have a kitschy coffee shop, follow the nearest hipster to the coffee shop in question.
When it comes to water, drink tap. Firstly, it’s environmentally friendly. Secondly, no one is going to attack the tap water, assuming that only the gays drink tap. We are in a recession, and an environmental crisis, we’re all drinking tap – no demographic is exempt.
Got more gay apocalypse survival tips? Hit me up.
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